How can you have everything you want, live your dream and not be truly content? The lack of the eternal focus and selfishness. I fear that we humans prefer the current and instant pleasures of life than for a rewarding afterlife, or even a truly rewarding current life. Where is this coming from? Well, to be honest, as cheesy as it sounds, every time I hear the song “Meant to Live” by Switchfoot, the song provokes these types of quizzical thoughts within me (not to mention that it’s a pretty rockin song). Since Switchfoot is from SD, I hear the song all the time and it propels me to deep thinking. I am struggling to move out of my dream phase of living here to finding what the true purpose of me being here may be. I am very good at living in denial, ask my wife. I unfortunately find it all too easy to just put something out of my mind and remain content and unfazed, for a season at least. I think, “Why try to find a purpose or true contentment when I’m happy at the moment?” The problem with denial is that when you bury something deep down, it begins to grow and grow until you have to face it. My point with denial is that for my almost two years of a dream life in SD, I’ve just wanted to live life free and clear of any kind of personal responsibility to anything, to God, to my wife, to family, friends. I’ve just wanted to live to truly please myself. I deserve to live in SD, I deserve to live by the ocean, I deserve to own a house, I deserve to surf, I deserve to buy music all the time, I deserve to eat out all the time, I deserve to go to shows, I deserve to feel superior, I deserve to do whatever I want whenever I want. That is me. Obviously I love God, my wife, family, friends, etc. But not at the expense of my own self. Why do I deserve all those things I just mentioned? I really don’t, that’s why. I sometimes I feel that I’m on borrowed time here, that I have to get and grab and live as much as I can, while I can, because it could end at any moment. But that’s not right sometimes. That’s where the self comes in to wreak havoc. What’s wrong with me? Nothing really, nothing that everyone else doesn’t face everyday themselves.

“The good I want to do, I don’t do. The evil I don’t want to do, that I do.”

Where does the balance come into all of this? Good question. I’m 29 years old. I’ve been living from one extreme to the other since I was 16, maybe 18. Maybe this whole thing is about finally finding the center of life, I hope so. I’m tired of it all. In the end, thank God I have a great wife, family and friends, anything else is gravy. Reading back over this blog, I’m not sure if it really makes sense at all. I think I just had to write that out, whether it did or not, just to get it out, out of my mind. I think maybe because it’s of public record, so to speak, that I’ll have to truly deal with it in some manner. Thanks for indulging me on this personal journey this morning.